


Telling the Truth

by Marvel_girl109



Series: Fixing things [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anger, Betrayal, Caring Dean Winchester, Castiel (Supernatural) Gets a Hug, Castiel (Supernatural) Has Panic Attacks, Castiel (Supernatural) Has Self-Worth Issues, Crying Castiel (Supernatural), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Hurt Dean Winchester, Episode: s06e20 The Man Who Would Be King, Family, Fluff, Hurt Dean Winchester, M/M, Protective Bobby Singer, Protective Dean Winchester, Protective Sam Winchester, Regret, Regretful Castiel (Supernatural), Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-24
Updated: 2019-01-24
Packaged: 2019-09-26 15:37:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17144450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marvel_girl109/pseuds/Marvel_girl109
Summary: Castiel finally admits his reasoning for why he was working with Crowley.





	Telling the Truth

Castiel appeared in the room just after Dean made his prayer.

"Johnny on the spot," Bobby said.

Cas looked around at the three hunters, confused about why they were still in the dead demon's home. 

"You're still here," he said.

"Yeah, we had to bury the bodies," Sam answered.

He supposed that made sense. If he was thinking straight at the time, instead of blinded by anger at Crowley sending demons after his friends, he might have helped them.

"And we found a little whiskey," Dean added. "Thanks for coming."

Cas suddenly felt a stab of guilt flow through him. If only they knew what was really happening.

"How can I help?"

Sam opened the book he had in his hand and said, "look, we have a new plan. We think we finally figured out a way to track down Crowley."

Cas panicked. No. He had to dissuade them from whatever they were planning to do. It would just get them killed and Cas couldn't have that. Not after everything he's done to keep them safe. He walked forward.

"What is it?"

He was so focused on what Sam had said that he didn't notice what Bobby was doing behind him.

"It's you."

He turned around, just as Bobby set alight the Holy Oil. He struggled to breathe as he tried to figure out where he had gone wrong. How did they find out? He had been so careful. 

"What are you doing?" he said, desperately hoping there was some other explanation for this.

"We gotta talk," Dean said.

"About what? Let me go."

"About Superman. And Kryptonite."

Cas was currently drawing a blank.

"How do you know what I said?" Bobby asked. 

Oh. That was the mistake he made. It was bound to happen to be honest, as the amount of emotions and things he had to deal with these days were piling high. 

"How long have you been watching us?" Sam asked, looking at him as though he was untrustworthy. He wasn't wrong to look like that though. Cas had been keeping this a secret for a long time.

"You know who spies on people, Cas? Spies." Cas hated the way that Dean was looking at him. Anger and hurt showing prominently on his face, even though Cas knew that Dean was trying his best to hide it. He hated himself, knowing he was the one who had put that look on Dean's face. 

"Just wait," he said. "I don't even know what you mean." He wasn't sure why he was trying to play them like this when they had already figured it out.

"What about this demon craphole?" Sam said, gesturing to the room they were standing in. "How is it so next to godliness clean in here?"

"How exactly did Crowley trick you with the wrong bones?" Bobby asked.

He felt as though his world was crashing down around his shoulders. What was he supposed to say to that?

"It's hard to understand. It's hard to explain. Just let me go. Let me out and I can-"

"Get a look at me, man."

He turned to look Dean in the eye.

"You gotta level with me and tell me what's going on. Look me in the eye and tell me you're not working with Crowley."

He wanted to lie and reassure Dean that he wasn't. That everything was going to be fine. But he couldn't. He looked away. 

"Son of a bitch," Dean said, quietly.

He hated himself even more at the betrayal Dean was broadcasting on his face.

"Let me explain."

"You're in it with him," Dean interrupted. "You and Crowley. Been going after Purgatory together? You have, huh? This whole time."

"I did it to protect you. I did it to protect all of you," he tried to explain.

"Protect us how?" Sam asked. "By opening a hole into monster land."

"He's right, Cas," Bobby said. "One drop got through and it was Eve and you want to break down the entire dam."

"To get the souls. I can stop Raphael. Please, you have to trust me."

"Trust you?" Sam said. "How in the hell are we supposed to trust you now?"

And that was the question, wasn't it? How was he supposed to ask for their trust when he had broken it a long time ago?

"I'm still me. I'm still your friend." He was scared by how unconvincing he sounded. "Sam, I'm the one who raised you from perdition."

"What?" 

Everything was silent for a moment as everyone processed that information. He wasn't sure whether the silence was a good or bad thing.

Sam scoffed. "Well, no offense but you did a pretty piss poor job of it." A bad thing then.

"Wait," Sam said. "Did you bring me back soulless... on purpose?" 

"How could you think that?" Cas said, honestly surprised.

"Well, I'm thinking a lot of things right now, Cas."

"Listen. Raphael will kill us all. He'll turn the world into a graveyard. I had no choice."

"No you had a choice," Dean said. "You just made the wrong one."

"You don't understand. It's complicated."

"No actually, it's not. And you know that. Why else would you keep this whole thing a secret, huh? Unless you knew that it was wrong. When crap like this comes around, we deal with it. Like we always have. What we don't do is we don't go out and make another deal with the Devil."

He felt his chest tighten as Dean was speaking.

"That sounds so simple when you say it like that. Where were you when you needed to hear it?"

"I was there. Where were you? You should have come to us for help Cas."

He wrapped his arms around his body in a strangely human gesture that he didn't understand.

"I know," he admitted. "I just didn't want to burden you with things that didn't concern you."

"Don't concern us?" Sam asked, incredulously. "You keep saying that Raphael's going to destroy our world. How does that not concern us?" 

"They're my family. I didn't want to drag you back into my family's problems since the last time got two of you killed." He looked to the ground as nightmares of what Raphael would do to the Winchester's invaded his head, not for the first time.

"Cas," Dean said, more gently this time.

Cas's mind was brought back to the present as Dean spoke. He realised that his knuckles were white from where he was clutching his coat tightly and he was shaking.

"Cas," Dean said again. This time he looked up and was surprised to see that Dean looked concerned. "Tell us the truth about what Raphael will do."

"He-"

"Not the stakes, Cas," Dean interrupted. "You've told us that a million times. Tell us what Raphael will do to make that happen."

He shook his head. "No, I can't."

"Why not?" Sam demanded, still sounding angry. 

Castiel suddenly felt anger wash through him.

"Why?" Cas asked. "Because if I tell you you're going to go and try to take on Raphael and get yourselves killed. Everything I've done was so that that didn't happen." He turned to Dean. "And you say that I should have gone to you for help but when Crowley and I made this deal, you were with Lisa and Ben. I was even there. I went to ask you. But you had sacrificed so much at the hands of my family. You were happy and had a family that actually cared about you. I don't know what that's like and I couldn't take you away from that. I'm sorry."

At some point during his speech, he had started crying. He blushed and looked at the ground, embarrassed and ashamed that he was crying and had admitted all of that.

"Cas, look at me," Dean whispered. 

He shut his eyes and shook his head. He couldn't speak any more. If he opened his mouth, he was pretty sure that a sob would come out rather than words.

He jumped as he felt Dean's arms go around him.

"Don't ever think that you can't come to me if you have a problem, Cas. I'll always be there for you. That's what friends are for."

He didn't deserve to have Dean as a friend. He wanted to push Dean's comfort away because he didn't deserve that either. But instead he melted into it.

He let go of his trench coat and wrapped his arms around Dean, holding onto his jacket just as tightly as he had to his trench coat. He lost control for a second and let out the sob that was building in his throat. With that, the flood gates opened and tears flowed out of his eyes. 

He buried his face in Dean's shoulder as he cried. He felt safe in Dean's arms. Safe enough to let out these pent up emotions that he had been keeping inside since he first made the deal with Crowley.

Cas didn't notice Bobby and Sam putting the Holy Fire out. Even if he had, there was nowhere else he wanted to be right now.

Dean continued to hold him as he let his emotions out. He was grateful. If Dean had moved away, he might have broken. As it was, he was barely holding on by a thread. The only thing holding him together right now was Dean. 

After a while, Cas stopped crying and went quiet. Dean took that as his cue to move away. However, Cas tightened his hold before Dean could get too far.

"Cas, come on. We should go."

"No," he replied into Dean's shoulder. "Please don't leave me."

"Hey, it's okay. We're not going to leave you, Cas. You're coming with us. You just gotta let go of me."

"I can't," he whispered. He hated how broken he sounded. He was the one who had betrayed Dean.

"What do you mean, you can't?" 

"I just... Please... I don't..." He gave up on trying to speak at that point.

He tried to pull himself away from Dean but he found that it was one of the hardest things he had ever done. 

He didn't understand. He didn't really understand any of the emotions he was feeling right now. He didn't know how to cope with them. They were too strong and overpowering. He couldn't control them. They were going to crush him. He couldn't breathe.

"Cas! Hey! Hey! It's okay. Look at me."

Cas hadn't realised that he had been pulled off of Dean's shoulder until then. Hands that were obviously Bobby's were holding his upper arms in a strong grip, keeping him from falling over. Sam's anger had completely vanished and he and Dean were both standing right in front of him. Each had a hand on one of his shoulders. 

He suddenly came to the conclusion that one of the reasons he couldn't pull himself away from Dean was because he wanted to hide his face. But now they could see him and he could see them. 

He hated the concern he saw there. He didn't deserve that. Why couldn't they understand that? Were they saying something to him? He couldn't hear them over the rushing in his ears. Why couldn't he hear them? Were they trying to help him? Why? Didn't they already know that he didn't deserve that?

"Damn it, Cas. Snap out of it."

Dean sounded worried. He didn't want Dean to be worried. Maybe he should listen to what Dean's saying so that he doesn't have to be worried anymore.

"That's it, Cas. Just breathe, okay? You're safe. We're not angry with you, man. We'd just wished you had told us from the beginning. But it's okay now. We can fix this. Together."

Even though Cas didn't believe that everything was okay, he calmed at Dean's words. He slumped and was caught by Bobby, who held him upright.

"It's okay, kid," Bobby said, sounding the most gentle that Cas had ever heard him be. "We will fix this."

"Yeah, we will," Sam assured. 

Cas looked into Dean eyes and saw the hope and desperation there. The betrayal and anger long gone. 

Maybe he didn't deserve to be punished. If Dean believed in him, maybe he really could make this right. 

He was wrong to call the angels his family. These three people surrounding him were his family. And they cared about him. 

Cas let exhaustion overcome him as he admitted to himself that he felt the most safe he ever had.

**Author's Note:**

> This turned out a lot better than I thought it would. Let me know what you think and whether you guys would like a sequel.


End file.
